The End of the World As We Know It...

Everybody OK? I thought so. Now we're in for more excuses from the morons. "I made another mistake in my calculations." Or, "God can do whatever He wants. It's His way of showing us how powerful He is."

Next thing we'll hear is that this was a preliminary test for The Saved. Look out for the big one in October. When that date passes, we've got the end of the Mayan calendar to deal with. Oh well, another day another Armageddon.

Ta-ta for now.

Read This Right Away!!!

Well, I hope that got your attention, because if you're not reading this before 5:59 PM on Saturday, May 21, you're probably not going to get to it at all. Why? Because that's when the world is ending! Don't you watch the news?

That's right, there is a sizable chunk of the world's population that believes we're all on our last mile. Unless you're one of the saved who expect to be taken up to heaven in The Rapture. The rest of us are done for. Wouldn't you know that right up to the end of the world there are going to be the haves and the have-nots. Doesn't seem quite fair, does it?

I have a couple of questions. First, why is this killer earthquake starting in New Zealand? They seem like pretty nice people to me. Here's another: Since God created the Earth and the rest of the universe at the same time, is he now destroying the whole ball of wax or is it just Earth? And if so, why are we getting the short end of the stick?

Here are a couple of my own personal tips to enjoy The End. First of all, don't feel sorry for anyone who died today, like Randy Savage, the wrestler; they're only being short-changed by 24 hours or so. Whatever else you do, don't pay any bills today. Now that I think of it, tomorrow (before 5:59PM of course) would be a great day to bounce a few checks. After all, they won't bounce until Monday... Or forever. If you want to feel sorry for someone, give a thought to those folks who believed this hoohah so thoroughly that they started bouncing checks last month. They're going to be in more trouble if the world doesn't end than if it does.

And finally, spare a little sympathy for the misguided preacher who has been promoting this whole thing. This is at least his second such prediction of Armageddon. The last one suffered from a "miscalculation," which he's corrected for tomorrow. So have an extra glass of wine tonight and don't worry about pissing anyone off. As for me, I'll be sitting at the keyboard tomorrow evening, writing my next installment. Hope I'm right!

Greatest Guitar Riffs

My friend Al sends me all kinds of e-mail stuff. You probably have a friend like Al. Some of it is interesting, some silly, some mildly pornographic. Chain letters, urban legends, photoshopped pictures, and "tests" on anything from cars of the fifties to the citizenship test are included. We joke that Al has too much time on his hands, but every now and then he sends something brilliant. Two of his forwards this week fit that category. One was a short film of a young woman playing with and teasing a group of about 10 cheetahs. You can watch it here Click here

The other one, which I'm writing about today, was a link to a web-site that lists someone's opinions of the 50 greatest guitar riffs ever, and includes all 50 of them. A riff, by the way, is defined as a short repeating musical theme that forms a song's framework. Most music includes riffs, whether classical or rock, by Mozart or the Beatles. (A couple of Beatles riffs are on this list, although Mozart didn't make the cut. After all, this is a rock list.) I invite you to check out the list, listen to some you're not familiar with and refresh your memory of some old favorites. It seems to me that you'll have the same reaction I did: Hey, they left off ...! If that happens, please feel free to point out the oversights to the rest of us. I can't believe they omitted the bass riff from Stevie Wonder's Superstition. After all, what's a bass but a big guitar. And how about The Temptations' Papa Was A Rollin' Stone. That was a funkified riff. And I've got a couple from Eric Clapton and Duane Allman I'd like to add. And the Doobies! Holy crap! How could they forget the Doobies?! Well, you get the message. Just set aside some time to listen to some real Guitar Heroes. Enjoy. Click here