In Defense of Participles

Are students taught about participles any more? I, for one, am getting sick and tired of hearing people who should know better using a participle when a past tense is called for. Chief among this group are the TV newsreaders, who prefer to be called “anchors.”

Perhaps that appellation causes them to think they know something about matters nautical. If that were so, they’d never report, “The boat sunk in 100 feet of water.” No, no, no! The boat didn’t “sunk;” it SANK! Why do they make that mistake when they’d never make the opposite mistake and say, “The boat has sank”?

Sink, sank, sunk, sinking. Present, past, past participle, present participle (also gerund). Does no one learn to conjugate verbs anymore?

Same goes for stink, stank, stunk, stinking.

And you wonder why I’m sometimes referred to as the anal-compulsive grammarian?

Book Review

The Tender Bar

By JR Moehringer

Remember that book you’ve always thought you had inside you? You know the one I mean; a cross between Animal House and The Most Unforgettable Character I’ve Met. The one that’s populated by the loons, goons, and weirdos that have crossed your path and defined your character. The one that actually explains how you became who and what you are. Well, you can forget about it; JR Moehringer has beaten you to it.

This excellent memoir—in spite of the rather silly wordplay in the title—takes us along for the ride as a mostly fatherless boy travels the path to manhood with the help of the denizens of a bar called Publicans. Among the surrogate fathers are engaging characters like Bob the Cop, Smelly, and fuckembabe. And Uncle Charlie, the ringleader of this merry band.

Pulitzer-winner Moehringer has crafted his characters with loving care, putting one in mind of Jimmy Breslin’s The Gang Who Couldn’t Shoot Straight. The reader can’t resist the invitation to get into the author’s head and watch while he learns to live, love, drink, dream, and deal with his fears and failures. The crazy path that takes him from his grandparents’ decrepit home in Manhasset to Arizona to Harvard to Lord & Taylor to the New York Times always leads back to Publicans and—fortunately for us—always leads back to writing.

Pour yourself another drink; it’s a comfortable place to spend some time.

Fermi’s Paradox

Anyone who has studied physics, and many that haven’t, will have heard of Enrico Fermi. In the first half of the 20^th century, Fermi and his colleagues were busily re-writing the physics textbooks. The collegial atmosphere that surrounded these brilliant men led to many discussions that ranged far from their specialties. One of those discussions was on the possibilities and probabilities of life—and particularly intelligent life—elsewhere in the universe.

Fermi had a reputation for doing lightning fast, complex computations in his head and came up with the result that there were probably billions of planets capable of supporting life, and millions of them probably held intelligent life. But if that was so, Fermi asked, “Where is everybody?” And that’s the paradox.

Where, indeed. A number of possible answers to that question have been posited, and if you’re interested enough to explore them, I suggest you Google “Fermi’s Paradox.” For now, let’s consider the three most obvious answers. First, ETs don’t exist. This answer is the least fun, and to me, the hardest one to accept. It requires us to believe that in the ten billion years that our galaxy has existed, on the billions of planets it encompasses, intelligent life has arisen on only Earth. It seems to me that the odds against this being the true answer are—well— astronomical.

Second possibility: They exist, but haven’t been in touch with us. And I ask, “why not?” Well, civilizations younger than us may not have the ability to communicate with us yet. Okay. But since Earth is a middle-aged planet of a middle-aged star, there must be civilizations older than we are, and one would think that they would have been in touch. If they have the capability to know of us and to communicate with us, it’s hard to believe that they wouldn't want to talk. Maybe they just haven’t found our number yet.

Third possibility, and my favorite: We have already been visited by aliens, and perhaps colonized and even fathered by them. To paraphrase Walt Kelly’s Pogo, “We have met the ET, and he is us.” There’s no generally accepted evidence that this has happened, although there are a number of researchers who believe they have found concrete evidence of long-term visitations by aliens to early Egyptian and Aztec civilizations. None of the evidence is incontrovertible but it is tantalizing. If this possibility interests you, let me suggest Chariots of the Gods by Erich von Däniken.

One more possibility; call it 2a: Persistent civilizations have learned that the universe is a dangerous place, and the best way to get by is to keep your head down and make as little noise as possible. An excellent fictional treatment of this rule of survival can be found in The Forge of God and its sequel, Anvil of Stars, by Greg Bear.

Sooner or later, this puzzle, too, will be answered. At least that’s the way it seems to me.